Matt, Ryan, Lance, and Mark's Excellent Adventure

EPISODE #1: WE DEPART

It starts as a normal night. Ryan picks me up, we pick Lance and Mark up and head for the [Marley Station] mall singing Guns ['N' Roses]. An excellent adventure follows.

EPISODE #2: "I'D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR!"

After the mandatory trip to Waxie Maxie's, we enter Stash 'N' Stella's [where Rocky Run is now, sorta a classier Johnny Rockets, with better food] for a hearty meal. While dining on a well-done $5.35 hamburger w/bacon a fine and very vodacious woman is spotted and I declare, "I'd buy that for a dollar!" One spit-up french fry later, we are impressed by a bunny hop around the diner followed by a heartfelt rendition of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" led by Ryan. We leave a $2 tip.

EPISODE #3: THE HO ON THE HILL

After making CD purchases and missing two pseudo-fights, we decide to head for Jumper's to see Misery. On the way to the car, we meet a truly ugly ho on a hill who declares, "I have to pee, but we don't have time to stop." This is quite a shame.

EPISODE #4: SOLD OUT

Arriving at 9:45 for the 9:45 show, we find a "SOLD OUT" sign posted at Jumper's. Deciding to rent, Mark and Lance walk to Basics [grocery store] to call Bill so we can use his card while Ryan and I get the car.

EPISODE #5: DISSED BY BILL

Arriving at the phone, I deposit my $.25 and proceed to call Bill. Basically claiming he'd rather have his testicles ripped through his ears than chill with us, Bill promptly disses us. On top of that, Ryan's CD batteries die.

EPISODE #6: BATTERIES AND PROVISIONS

Stopping at my local 7-11, Lance and Mark purchase 4 batteries, a Sunkist, a Coke, Spree, and 2 boxes of cookies. We eat, drink, and be merry.

EPISODE #7: "I HAVE TO TAKE A PISS"

After much eating and drinking, Mark declares, "I have to take a piss," and we head for the woods on Hammarlee. After warning them not to cross their streams, unless they desire the same fate as the Ghostbusters, I watch as Mark and Lance head for the woods to release the golden flow. They return, and we're off.

EPISODE #8: "PUT THAT F*#!?/% WINDOW UP!"

Attempting to show our caucasian boldness as we head into Brooklyn Park, Mark and I have our windows down. Noticing this fact, as well as a few unsightly hooligans, Ryan screams, "Put that f*#!?/% window up!" which we promptly do, as Ryan is driving. Seeking more adventure, we head for Baltimore.

EPISODE #9: HOIN' ON THE CORNER

Arriving in a not-so-classy section of Baltimore, we begin to cruise. As we do, we spot two scantily-dressed babes hoin' on the corner. Fearing disease, undercover police, and the wrath of Ryan "Don't Intimidate The Hos" McCarroll, no transaction is made.

EPISODE #10: YOU'RE IN THE BUGGY LANE, DICK!"

We begin to cruise the Inner Harbor, obviously a high-class place. Clueless as to what he is doing, Ryan finds himself tailgating one horse-drawn buggy guided by a "crappin' bricks" driver. Noticing Ryan's obvious mistake, I cry, "You're in the buggy lane, dick!" and a near-catastrophe is averted.

EPISODE #11: BABES IN A LIMO

Desiring to locate Baltimore Street, we begin to cruise once again. Pulling up to a stop light, next to us we find some babes in a limo, who, upon noticing the devastating bodies of Lance and I, begin to scream for us. The light changes, and we lose the babes thanks to Ryan's inept driving.

EPISODE #12: THE QUEST

Despite Ryan's protests [ed. note - I don't remember protesting ...], we begin the quest for the babes. After driving around for several minutes, Mark declares, "There they are!" and Ryan, now caring only to catch the babes, forgets his caution, runs a red, and the chase begins. It is popular belief that Ryan must have popped a woody.

EPISODE #13: "WE'RE HEADING FOR F*#!?/% WASHINGTON!"

In hot pursuit, we follow the babes until they outdistance us, and Ryan nervously declares, "We're heading for f*#!?/% Washington!" It is now up to the expert guidance of Lance and Mark to return us to scenic Glen Burnie.

EPISODE #14: "I HAVE TO TAKE A PISS" (REPRISE)

Arriving back in Glen Burnie, Mark once again declares, "I have to take a piss," and we return to Hammarlee, where Mark and Ryan promptly urinate, while Lance and I sing Tesla's "Lovesong" in the car. After this, Mark is taken home, a bolder man than when he left.

EPISODE #15: "IT'S SO EASY"

Lacking an obvious goal, the three of us cruise the 'hood, singing the classic G'N'R song "It's So Easy." Deciding to invade Robin #1's house [Robin Brumm], we head there.

EPISODE # 16: THE GREAT COOKIE CAPER

Realizing we have no paper to write on, we decide to begin the Great Cookie Caper by leaving one of our two remaining boxes of cookies at Robin's house. After performing my duties as scribe, we take a bite out of each cookie and the box is left by Lance on the doorstep.

EPISODE #17: I BLOW SNOT

Laughing at our zaniness, I begin a coughing fit which results in my blowing snot. In an attempt to spit this out the window, it is smeared along the side of the window, where it is frozen even to as this tale is being composed. Leaving a pile of cookie bites in the street, we head for Robin #2's house [Robin Demers].

EPISODE #18: THE GREAT COOKIE CAPER PART II

After much writing and biting, the cookies are ready, and I storm the house, leaving the box on the porch. The mission accomplished, we depart, another pile of cookie bites left on the street.

EPISODE #19: WAXING PHILOSOPHIC WITH RYAN

After taking Lance to his abode, Ryan and I head for home, waxing pilosophic about the events of the night. We both agree that it was a most excellent adventure.

EPISODE #20: A QUICK HANDSHAKE

Arriving at my house, I get out, and after a quick handshake, I enter and Ryan heads home, both of us planning a reapeat adventure in the near future. Yes, we had a truly excellent adventure, and tales will be told of our courageous deeds for many years to come.